i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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