I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
