Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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