if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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