When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
