my vag is so smooth its legendary
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
