dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well I just put wine in my tea
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
