Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
