Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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