If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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