Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
