i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
That's how pantless uber rides happen
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
