Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A+ Viking dick
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
