Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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