Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
