Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you traded sex for a burrito?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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