sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
