your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
