im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
