Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
