MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
