the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
