Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
