So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
