Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
