Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
