did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
