They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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