On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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