Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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