I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
It's Friday. Sex?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
