Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
