I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
