You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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