Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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