in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
