Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
