I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
