I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
