2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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