apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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