Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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