I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
