some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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