like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
