I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
