life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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