i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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