What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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