i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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