what if every blade of grass was a penis?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
